On monday I am going to go and get help. I'm scared. Very scared. It's the unknown. It's difficult asking for help, admitting that something might be wrong. What if they tell me I am being rediculous, and what I am experiencing is totally normal? What if they tell me I'm a total nutjob, and slap me in a straight jacket?
Of course I know neither will be the case, but the mind boggles, that's the thing with the unknown I guess. Our expectations are always worse than reality. But I'm also doing it to myself. Part of me is saying "Don't be silly girly, snap out of it now, stupid hypichondriac, nothing like this would ever happen to you, I bet you're just trying to get attention..." and so I end up feeling guilty because I know there are other people who are worse off than me, that need help more, so why would I waste someone else's time with my problems?
Then I fly off the handle again, and realise that no, this is definitely not normal. It happened again today. Although Sweetheart was to 'blame' (in my mind anyway), it wasn't taken out on him. I asked him to feed Darlin' Boy so I could go have a shower (which I was WAY overdue for ~pee-ew~) and he promptly dissappeared into the toilet for his daily dump, and by the time he re-emerged Darlin' Boy had already eaten half his brekky, but I gave the bowl to Sweetheart anyway, and he tried ONCE to get the spoon into his mouth, and gave up, just like that, and said "Oh you can give him the rest, I can't do it, I'm gonna go have a shower while you're doing that." I managed to hold my composure, no fireworks yet. It wasn't until I got into the shower and realised that the hot water was all gone that I exploded. A whack on the shower screen door, and then a few to my head. Yup, very scary.
So when I go out on Monday I have to remember that. Getting help will be nothing compared to NOT getting the help I need.
But you know what... The amazing thing is that I am calmer than I have ever been with Darlin' Boy. And we had a really bad couple of weeks re: sleeping and eating (or lack of!) and I am handling it really well. I can say "Ok, I have done everything I can, you have had milk, food, clean nappy, you are tired, there is nothing else I can do for you, you're just going to have to lie down and go to sleep by yourself." More for my own assurance than for darlin' Boy's benefit, but it works. I can close the bedroom door, and walk away, loving that little person just as much as I always do.
I wish I could do that with Sweetheart.
Saturday, July 31, 2004
Friday, July 30, 2004
Not a happy camper at all.
I have very quickly come to the realisation that I need help. Now it's normal to lose your temper on occassion, and especially if it is for a valid reason. But this is just extreme. I had the same problem in my last pregnancy, and post partum.
I just can't control it. Normally I am the last person to get mad, I would describe myself as being VERY patient, and in fact to the outside world everything still seems normal... I only get mad at Sweetheart.
It will be over simple negotiations. I think one thing, he thinks something else, and I just can't handle it. For some reason it's like I am a toddler. It usually ends up with me running off mad and then ending up in tears, apologising, and generally all is forgiven.
It is very scary to have no control over my feelings, it is all so irrational. So far no punches have been thrown, but I have raised fists many a time. I do feel ashamed of myself, because I know Sweetheart's Ex-wife would hit him, and once broke a rib. How could I stoop so low?
I also feel ashamed because Darlin Boy sees this happenning and ends up in tears too. If I don't get help soon, I know I'm going to end up losing both of them...
I just can't control it. Normally I am the last person to get mad, I would describe myself as being VERY patient, and in fact to the outside world everything still seems normal... I only get mad at Sweetheart.
It will be over simple negotiations. I think one thing, he thinks something else, and I just can't handle it. For some reason it's like I am a toddler. It usually ends up with me running off mad and then ending up in tears, apologising, and generally all is forgiven.
It is very scary to have no control over my feelings, it is all so irrational. So far no punches have been thrown, but I have raised fists many a time. I do feel ashamed of myself, because I know Sweetheart's Ex-wife would hit him, and once broke a rib. How could I stoop so low?
I also feel ashamed because Darlin Boy sees this happenning and ends up in tears too. If I don't get help soon, I know I'm going to end up losing both of them...
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
Why?
Yesterday was one of those days... one of those days when I think to myself "Why on earth would I want ANOTHER baby?"
Of course it's all too late now, but what a day it was. Darlin Boy refused to sleep, and hence refused to eat, and so grizzled and grumped his way right through the day. It seems the new dummies I bought him just aren't up to scratch, so much for expensive orthodontic silicone dummies. Last time I buy anything nice for you Darlin Boy. Of course I don't mean it. I also didn't mean the yelling at him for not staying still while being changed, and for throwing away yet another morsel of food, and I definitely didn't mean the "Why do I bother with you at all?" or the "Right, that's it, I'm not 'doing' this anymore, I've had it with you!" while 'dumping' him back in his cot. It's times like this I fully understand why some animals eat their own young.
I'm sure my little embryo, Bubinski, is going to be scarred for life from all the yelling in-utero, I'm sure I read something about that, a stressed mother causes stress in the foetus. If I took everything in those magazines as gospel, I would be scared to do anything even remotely loud, or eat anything vaguely unhealthy, and would have to spend my whole pregnancy doing yoga or swimming, and talking very softly (or playing music) to my bump, and taking the most expensive pregnancy multivitamin there is.
In reality I'll just be glad to make it through the day without killing someone (that includes me!) and I thank my lucky stars when I can crawl into bed and drift into wonderful sleep, because that will bring me to my saving grace... Darlin Boy's early morning feed. I often wonder how much of it he remembers, I like to think it's just a very warm yummy dream about mummy, and boobies. It's our special time, when he becomes my little baby again, doesn't fight my cuddles, and just lets me hold him. Sometimes he chats to me like the big boy he is becoming, and I sing song back, and he starts to doze back to sleep, just like that tiny newborn some 14 and a half months ago. Hmm... so that's why...
Of course it's all too late now, but what a day it was. Darlin Boy refused to sleep, and hence refused to eat, and so grizzled and grumped his way right through the day. It seems the new dummies I bought him just aren't up to scratch, so much for expensive orthodontic silicone dummies. Last time I buy anything nice for you Darlin Boy. Of course I don't mean it. I also didn't mean the yelling at him for not staying still while being changed, and for throwing away yet another morsel of food, and I definitely didn't mean the "Why do I bother with you at all?" or the "Right, that's it, I'm not 'doing' this anymore, I've had it with you!" while 'dumping' him back in his cot. It's times like this I fully understand why some animals eat their own young.
I'm sure my little embryo, Bubinski, is going to be scarred for life from all the yelling in-utero, I'm sure I read something about that, a stressed mother causes stress in the foetus. If I took everything in those magazines as gospel, I would be scared to do anything even remotely loud, or eat anything vaguely unhealthy, and would have to spend my whole pregnancy doing yoga or swimming, and talking very softly (or playing music) to my bump, and taking the most expensive pregnancy multivitamin there is.
In reality I'll just be glad to make it through the day without killing someone (that includes me!) and I thank my lucky stars when I can crawl into bed and drift into wonderful sleep, because that will bring me to my saving grace... Darlin Boy's early morning feed. I often wonder how much of it he remembers, I like to think it's just a very warm yummy dream about mummy, and boobies. It's our special time, when he becomes my little baby again, doesn't fight my cuddles, and just lets me hold him. Sometimes he chats to me like the big boy he is becoming, and I sing song back, and he starts to doze back to sleep, just like that tiny newborn some 14 and a half months ago. Hmm... so that's why...
Sunday, July 25, 2004
The issue of spacing...
Well it's official, my mum things I'm mad, crazy, insane, all at the same time!
It's the age old debate of how far apart your children should be, and no matter how far apart, or close yours are, there is always someone who thinks it should be different.
Oh, no you don't want two in nappies, but if you have them close together you can get the nappies out of the way quicker.
And so it goes.
But in the end, we love our kids, and there's always one challenge or another. If it's not nappies, it's toilet training, if it's not falling off tricycles it's falling off skateboards, and then you have all that teenager stuff, and going out with friends, and then trying to scam the car keys off you.
For now all I have to worry about is Darlin Boy falling over all the time, all those cracks to the head, pulling the PS2 down onto himself. Our first trip to the emergency room. Managed to go over 14 months without one... very proud of THAT one!
Plus the early pregnancy stuff... the burping... peeing... BAD temper... tiredness... exhaustion... more tiredness... desire to eat lots of really unhealthy food... more burping.
And so it goes!
Am I sounding like a broken record?
It's the age old debate of how far apart your children should be, and no matter how far apart, or close yours are, there is always someone who thinks it should be different.
Oh, no you don't want two in nappies, but if you have them close together you can get the nappies out of the way quicker.
And so it goes.
But in the end, we love our kids, and there's always one challenge or another. If it's not nappies, it's toilet training, if it's not falling off tricycles it's falling off skateboards, and then you have all that teenager stuff, and going out with friends, and then trying to scam the car keys off you.
For now all I have to worry about is Darlin Boy falling over all the time, all those cracks to the head, pulling the PS2 down onto himself. Our first trip to the emergency room. Managed to go over 14 months without one... very proud of THAT one!
Plus the early pregnancy stuff... the burping... peeing... BAD temper... tiredness... exhaustion... more tiredness... desire to eat lots of really unhealthy food... more burping.
And so it goes!
Am I sounding like a broken record?
Saturday, July 24, 2004
I'm tired... so tired...
This combination of pregnancy tiredness, and 'not being able to sleep' tiredness, and 'toddler waking up way too much' tiredness, has well and trully hit me.
In fact, I had to drag myself out of bed at 2:30pm (yes PM!) for my doctors appointment, and the disconcerting feeling of dozing off on the couch, has become all too familiar. I think people are getting used to me yawning all the time!
But the most disconcerting of all is waking up in the middle of the night and finding your Sweetheart lying next to you, and you CANNOT remember at ALL them coming to bed.
"Sweetheart, because I'm gonna have such an early night (7pm) I'll get up when you come home from work so I don't end up waking up at 3am again." Yeah right... I must have been in such a deep (probably unconscious) state of sleep, one moment I was tucking myself in at 7pm, next thing... I wake up, roll over, man in my bed... 3am AGAIN? What the? Oh well, so much for getting up for a Milo, and to do the dishes at 10:30! This from the chickie who took to wearing earplugs through her previous pregnancy because she is normally such a light sleeper, and would wake up to the sound of a mouse farting!
The next most disconcerting feeling. Actually MORE disconcerting, and more scary, I think, because it's the kind of thing that could cause serious injury.
The drive down to the shops for my doctors appointment.
When you have the feeling you really shouldn't be awake, and although you are obviously NOT in bed, it is also quite obvious that you SHOULD be, and your brain still thinks so. I realised this upon reaching the end of my street, and forgetting how on earth I managed to get through two roundabouts... then all that goes through my head is that 'Drowsy drivers die' thing... and something about microsleeps. Can you still have a microsleep at 2:30pm? I'll have to ask Dr. Karl that one. Needless to say, it's only a one minute drive to our shops and very quiet roads, and well, I'm here typing this.
So I live to fight another day... or sleep another day!
In fact, I had to drag myself out of bed at 2:30pm (yes PM!) for my doctors appointment, and the disconcerting feeling of dozing off on the couch, has become all too familiar. I think people are getting used to me yawning all the time!
But the most disconcerting of all is waking up in the middle of the night and finding your Sweetheart lying next to you, and you CANNOT remember at ALL them coming to bed.
"Sweetheart, because I'm gonna have such an early night (7pm) I'll get up when you come home from work so I don't end up waking up at 3am again." Yeah right... I must have been in such a deep (probably unconscious) state of sleep, one moment I was tucking myself in at 7pm, next thing... I wake up, roll over, man in my bed... 3am AGAIN? What the? Oh well, so much for getting up for a Milo, and to do the dishes at 10:30! This from the chickie who took to wearing earplugs through her previous pregnancy because she is normally such a light sleeper, and would wake up to the sound of a mouse farting!
The next most disconcerting feeling. Actually MORE disconcerting, and more scary, I think, because it's the kind of thing that could cause serious injury.
The drive down to the shops for my doctors appointment.
When you have the feeling you really shouldn't be awake, and although you are obviously NOT in bed, it is also quite obvious that you SHOULD be, and your brain still thinks so. I realised this upon reaching the end of my street, and forgetting how on earth I managed to get through two roundabouts... then all that goes through my head is that 'Drowsy drivers die' thing... and something about microsleeps. Can you still have a microsleep at 2:30pm? I'll have to ask Dr. Karl that one. Needless to say, it's only a one minute drive to our shops and very quiet roads, and well, I'm here typing this.
So I live to fight another day... or sleep another day!
Friday, July 23, 2004
Letting off steam... among other things!
Now, i'm not sure whether it's just the hormones, or if Sweetheart is just being REALLY pain in the arse annoying... must be his fault... why I chose to take it out on a poor defensive onion I don't know. Actually I should say, taken out on a poor defensive onion and the kitchen floor by means of a stong pitching arm (namely mine!).
I guess in terms of venting frustration it's better than going down the local for a few pints and getting in a bar room brawl.
The one particular annoyance in question (or rather one of many) started at ten past six in the am. Phone rings, and most calls at that hour are emergencies... well yeah, if the emergency is that Sweetheart has forgetten about swapping shifts and is now ten minutes late for work, and currently wondering why on earth anyone would be ringing at such ungodly hour (although I'm sure God is awake by 6am!)
So amongst the major panic that ensues, I decide to visit the commode, only to be told off for going because he needs to go and is running late for work (Hmm... hadn't noticed THAT one!) I finish my business and walk out to see Sweetheart standing at the bathroom sink, "I'm using the sink as a urinal!" he proclaims very proudly, and then REFUSES to wipe it out because he's running late for work (hmm... yup he STILL needed to remind me one more time)
I started to throw my 'nana, and I guess trying to avoid all out war he finally obliged, reluctantly grabbed the 'shower power', and did what he shouldn't have HAD to do in the first place if he had only waited the whole sixty seconds for me to finish my own call to nature.
...and then he had the gall to ask for change for the toll.
All said and done though he did redeem himself by the end of the day. I was presented with a scrumptious KFC dinner, and after a great deal of faffing around in the kitchen, a caramelatte with whipped cream on top, and marshmallows and little cruchie bites for extra 'sucking up' power. PLUS '50 first dates' and 'Love actually' hired from the vid shop.
Well it worked... I'm a sucker for sugar, and I do get a little sick of star wars movies, and watching someone else play the PS2!
So for now all is forgiven, although the forgotten bit I'm not so sure about... I'm sure I'll manage to drag these small offences out again when they are next needed to win an argument.
It's lucky I love him so much!
I guess in terms of venting frustration it's better than going down the local for a few pints and getting in a bar room brawl.
The one particular annoyance in question (or rather one of many) started at ten past six in the am. Phone rings, and most calls at that hour are emergencies... well yeah, if the emergency is that Sweetheart has forgetten about swapping shifts and is now ten minutes late for work, and currently wondering why on earth anyone would be ringing at such ungodly hour (although I'm sure God is awake by 6am!)
So amongst the major panic that ensues, I decide to visit the commode, only to be told off for going because he needs to go and is running late for work (Hmm... hadn't noticed THAT one!) I finish my business and walk out to see Sweetheart standing at the bathroom sink, "I'm using the sink as a urinal!" he proclaims very proudly, and then REFUSES to wipe it out because he's running late for work (hmm... yup he STILL needed to remind me one more time)
I started to throw my 'nana, and I guess trying to avoid all out war he finally obliged, reluctantly grabbed the 'shower power', and did what he shouldn't have HAD to do in the first place if he had only waited the whole sixty seconds for me to finish my own call to nature.
...and then he had the gall to ask for change for the toll.
All said and done though he did redeem himself by the end of the day. I was presented with a scrumptious KFC dinner, and after a great deal of faffing around in the kitchen, a caramelatte with whipped cream on top, and marshmallows and little cruchie bites for extra 'sucking up' power. PLUS '50 first dates' and 'Love actually' hired from the vid shop.
Well it worked... I'm a sucker for sugar, and I do get a little sick of star wars movies, and watching someone else play the PS2!
So for now all is forgiven, although the forgotten bit I'm not so sure about... I'm sure I'll manage to drag these small offences out again when they are next needed to win an argument.
It's lucky I love him so much!
Thursday, July 22, 2004
We're Pregnant!!
Oh my goodness!
After only two months of trying here we are... Two pink lines.... BFP... Up the duff... bun in the oven... expecting... gestating... fertilised... pregnant!
I still can't believe it, especially as I am still breastfeeding Darlin Boy, we had given ourselves a three month window of opportunity to fall, and hence move our wedding, and I really didn't expect it to happen so quickly.
Sweetheart is over the moon, and feeling very studly, although I think he is worried that there will be no more sex for two years... two years?? Just watch me make it three!
I have only been pregnant for four and a half weeks, and already I have totally lost patience with him!
Oh well just gives me a hint of the joy that will be the next eight months... I'm due on 27th March... Easter Sunday... Ha... Me of all people!
Till next time... *Buuurp*
After only two months of trying here we are... Two pink lines.... BFP... Up the duff... bun in the oven... expecting... gestating... fertilised... pregnant!
I still can't believe it, especially as I am still breastfeeding Darlin Boy, we had given ourselves a three month window of opportunity to fall, and hence move our wedding, and I really didn't expect it to happen so quickly.
Sweetheart is over the moon, and feeling very studly, although I think he is worried that there will be no more sex for two years... two years?? Just watch me make it three!
I have only been pregnant for four and a half weeks, and already I have totally lost patience with him!
Oh well just gives me a hint of the joy that will be the next eight months... I'm due on 27th March... Easter Sunday... Ha... Me of all people!
Till next time... *Buuurp*
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